gaming_lord

It's my birthday. o_O I'm twenty four. Busy spending it cleaning up the house so we can all move out to a new home later this month. Probably going to have some people over tomorrow while I cook spaghetti and get some pizzas for little get together. I don't know, I'm actually not sure how I'm feeling about that right now. Might do it, might not, I'm not sure.

So uhm, happy birthday to me I guess. Another year older and stuff.... I don't feel particularly happy about it.

Okay, so I'm gonna play this little game my other friends have played. Here goes...


The driving one still cracks me up. Anyone so far so good today I suppose. Yesterday I got out of the house unexpectedly with my mom. We went bowling, then I followed her shopping for a bit. Ended up spending a bit of my money on some candles (I like randomly lighting candles) and got a new pair of comfortable shoes as an early birthday gift from mom. I guess I needed them since my boots I got earlier in the year were cheap pieces of crud and are now tore up on the inside. >_<; They're nice shoes too.... no need to velcro strap or tie them up. You just slip them on and go. I guess they're kinda like old man shoes, but meh, whatever... They're comfortable, easier to get on and off than my falling apart boots, and so on. I still plan on getting a new pair of boots some day, but these are nice.

This morning was odd though. I woke up and went downstairs to take my morning med, and I just started to be overcome by this horrible weighted, depressed feeling. It's lifted a fair amount since then, but it was so... out of the blue. I hate it when that happens. It really bothered me because I was thinking, 'Hey! I had fun yesterday! I got out of the house which is good for me, did things, and came back home! I shouldn't be depressed! Why am I depressed!? It's not fair!' I shouldn't think on it too much, I might get depressed again. Horrible how easy it is sometimes I can slip into that.

Well, I don't know what else to type so I'll stop here. Exploding waffles and such.

I haven't posted in a while again. I haven't felt like doing a lot of things, honestly, and that's the problem. I hadn't even realized it was an issue until a few weeks ago. It just sort of sneaked up on me until I had a really bad week of apathy, lack of energy, and just depression. Even then I thought it was just a random rough spot, so I thought I'd wait and see until my next visit with my doc to see if things improved. When they didn't, i asked for the medication change the next time I saw my brain doc.

So now, I'm being weaned off Cymbalta, and switched over to Lexapro. I'm being kept on Risperdal, just not on pill form anymore, it's in the form of a once every two weeks shot (One that I can never seem to relax enough for, so I always bleed like a stuck pig afterwards. Oh well, it's just a little blood.)

I feel... frustrated, angry, depressed. I have no interest in almost anything, even in things that I need to be doing. No energy or will. I feel upset that I have had to have another medication change, because it makes me feel like I've failed some sort of test or something. I know that's not the case though, it just feels that way, and I can't help the way I feel.

I hope the medication change will work. It's going to take some time to see how it'll effect me is all. I just want depression to stop draining my life away.

Haven't posted in a little while, so I figured I might as well do so now.

Still haven't scanned my artwork in yet, or some photographs Heather took on my camera during my stay. I'll have to get on that. Spleh :P Heather, if you read this, nag me about this photos!

I've been making more of an effort to get out of the house and get in touch with some friends these past few weeks. That's a good thing, I think. Still not quite used to it, but I think I'll adjust. I'm trying to be a little more social with the friends I actually have here in Ohio that don't get online all the time like I do. Not easy because I'm such a reclusive person, keeping to myself so much...

( Lots to read, clicky click here )

Well, I've been home now for a few days, sort of vegging out for a bit I suppose. ^^ I wanna thank Heather, Justin, Aaron and Shelly for letting me stay at their place during my trip. This was an interesting little vacation for me...

I went bowling, saw some movies, ate out at a lot of restaurants, and even experienced my first rave o_O (yay glow sticks!) I even managed to sell some of my artwork, which was pretty awesome.)

Now I have to scan in all the artwork I did while I was in Florida and post it up on my deviantart site. Need to update that more regularly, really.

Well, my trip is almost over. I return home on Monday night. While I have had a wonderful time seeing my friends again, and meeting new people, it will be nice to go home again.

I wonder if my goldfish are still alive. Hopefully my brother hasn't forgotten about them.

Once I get back, I'll have three different appointments to take care of, starting a day or two after my return.

May 16: Appointment with doctor at Tri-West, see how my progress has been doing, discuss medications, possibly start a bi-weekly injection treatment plan in place of one of my medications in pill form.

Week After: Counseling appointment, May 25th I believe.

May 30th, possibly around 3: Job and Family services appointment. I'll need to gather things beforehand for this one. I'll list what I remember:
-Note saying dad has been letting me live with him, and that I've been paying him monthly from my disability check.
-Bank statement
-Photo ID and SS card possibly.
-The paperwork I had received in the mail notifying me of said appointment.

Well, that's about it I suppose. I'm going off to bed now.

well, I'm in Florida now. :P and huzzah, I'm getting over this cold pretty well! Heather had found an old sketchbook of mine, and so I've been looking it over and trying to fill it up. One of her roommates was kind enough to let me use their computer, so I can do some occasional web surfing and what nots.

Also got to look at the last piece of my headcrab zombie costume, the 'gore chest'... It's awesome ^^;

well, I'm still a lil out of it from waking up, so i'm gonna stop typing now.

Waffles. ;p

I'm sick! Huzzah! I got sick the day before my trip! XP Isn't that fantastic? :D

Eh, anyway, packing up the last of my things.. waiting for the dryer to finish with some clothes so I can stash them away.... and I'm looking for my hair comb that I can't seem to find. I may have to buy another one >_>;

*coughcoughCOUGH ahem ugh* Ew phelgm ><;

My flight leaves roughly at 5, so that means I should be there at about... 3:30 PM. So I'll probably be out of the house by 3.

Well, dryer's done... Time to pack up a few more shirts and get my butt to bed. G'night!

The day after tomorrow, I head to the airport again and get on one of them big flying metal bird things. I'm just finishing up things for tonight.

I made printouts of two artwork pieces, going to do a third tomorrow, a fourth if I can find something that I think looks decent enough and not crap.

I'm going to do a load of laundry tonight so I have clean clothes to wear... I was supposed to do it earlier, but I forgot >_>;

Well, I got clothes, toiletries, my costume parts, disposable cameras, and a backpack and travel suitcase to cram it all in. I have a modest amount of cash to spend while in Florida, and if my disability check comes tomorrow (which it should), I'll have a highly comfortable amount then.

I'm nervous and excited and looking forward to seeing all my friends again. I'm hoping things won't be too busy or chaotic after the convention for us to do a couple small things either, like hang out at a restaurant for a short while or something.

Note: I should get a standard sized sketchbook with easy-tear pages tomorrow. Maybe I can make some stuff up on the spot while at the convention.

Extra Note: Due to airport restrictions, I can't have any sort of liquid toiletry over 3 ounces in size. I'll have to buy another bottle of special tar shampoo for my scalp while I'm down there. My skin condition really bugs me >_>; Also, don't forget to put existing toiletries in small quart sized bag as required of the airport.

Another note!: Don't forget shades attachment for eyeglasses, and small sketchbooks for Spazz+Heather that were a never sent Christmas gift from a year or two ago. Heh...

Well, I'd better go put some clothes in the wash and get to bed. G'night!

I'm both excited and very nervous about my upcoming trip. I'm trying not to be, but I'm naturally a very nervous person I suppose. My mind deviously comes up with so many things that could go wrong, and I'm trying to ignore it. I just hope everything goes okay, really.

I'm nervous about my art. About the art I'm going to be trying to sell at the convention. At most I only got maybe three or four pieces. Only one is in color... the others... I don't know, they're just things I drew in ink that I'm picking out of my sketchbooks. I'm not sure if they can be called finished pieces, so much as random things. I showed some to my counselor and other people... their reasoning was, "what have I got to lose?". I suppose though I fear ridicule, and feel ashamed that I couldn't have X amount of pieces finished instead of what I do have. That I'm less of an artist, or that I shouldn't call myself an artist because I'm only going to have some printouts of a few measly things to try and sell.

I'm making an LJ cut here, cause I tend to ramble you know.

( Click to read on... )

Migraine headaches suck! WOOOOO! YEEEEAAAH!

.... Stop with aching, brainmeats! >_@;

Ya know, I should probably be asleep. I took my anti-depressants a little late, so it's gonna be a short while before I get all drowsy and crash into bed. At least my mood isn't bad. It's just kinda neutral. Eh *Shrug*

I'm going to Florida in May. Gonna see my friends Spazzy and Dragonmun again for a while at a con, then just linger around like sock odor for almost 2 weeks. Hopefully a pleasant sock odor though, like a clean sock dipped in... Oh, I don't know, something that smells nice. Yay!

Oh SPAZZ! If you see this before you check your e-mail again, I NEED to know your address so I can mail my costume part to you! 'Kay? ^^;

I got a little bit of anxiety for some reason right now in my chest. Little worries drifting into my head. I'm trying something my counselor has suggested... Don't fight it, try to "be with it". Let myself feel these emotions without judging or bashing myself. Accept them for what they are, instead of trying to ignore it. I suppose that makes sense. I'm doing an LJ-Cut now, cause this is going to be long.

( Read more... )

Okay, okay, okay, okay....

...okay.

I just freaked out and had a slight panic attack thing over the stupidest little thing. It amazes me that this happens. I suddenly had an urge to try really hard to finish some art in Photoshop before I head to Florida in the beginning of May. So I went to plug in my art tablet. I couldn't find it. It wasn't on my desk, under, or behind it. It's nowhere. No wait, it's somewhere in my room, but it's a mess. ARGH!

So, my head started bashing myself for not cleaning my room, for losing the tablet, for this, for that, and argh o_O; I do this so esaily to myself, it's almost not funny.

Well, I'm *forcing* myself to calm down now... It's *sorta* working, but I gotta work on ignoring the urge to panic still. Crazy. o_o;

Holy sweet jebus monkies on a hamburger patty with no rhinos... I think I forgot I had a livejournal account again.

Boy, the last post I made sure ended on a happy note too, didn't it?

Weeeell, I couldn't sleep very well tonight at all, so I'm still awake. I'll try sleeping after I make this post.

Anyway, was poking around on the internet, checked up on some journals I hadn't looked at in a while, going to check on some more later (wonder if those people will still remember me :P). I guess right now, things are okay, except for me not being asleep at the moment.

*Glances back at the last post, shakes head*

This is gonna be a really long post, so I'm gonna do a LJ cut here. If I still remember how...

( Clickie here to continue and read lots of text. )

Damn. Just... damn. It's been well over 6 months since I last posted in here. I just don't care about it anymore, I guess. I don't know. So why am I typing in it now?

I feel fucked up, that's why, I guess. And this is the only avaliable outlet to me?

Yeah, you can already tell this isn't going to be a happy post. I heavily recommend just walking away and ignoring this. Hell, I should just be putting this shit in a regular journal. You know, one that isn't online and viewable by the entire world?

Anyway...

I'm doing it to myself again, and I can't stop. I'm beating myself up. Some of my thoughts feel like they have a valid point. That some of the bad things I think about myself actually are true, and make perfect sense. I'm.... exhausted, lacking energy. I can't even help but worry that I may have annoyed a friend with my depressive mood, because I couldn't snap out of it enough to spend time with them in a game, or chat. I feel like I've just blown them off so I can be moody all on my own. I wouldn't have been able to enjoy the game anyway, really...

You know, sometimes... Sometimes, I wonder. What if I'm just lying not only to everyone I know, but to myself as well? A little confusing, huh? Let me put it this way:

-I have depression. I've had it for years.
(No, you just kept telling yourself that for so long that you THINK you have depression, you hypo-chrondriac.)

-I'm tired all the time. I have no energy because of my negative thoughts and anxiety.
(You're simply lazy. The reason you're always tired is because you either sleep too much, or not enough. Stop looking for excuses and grow up.)

-I'm scared of my own future. I feel like no matter what I do, I'll end up pushing everyone away. I can't even tell what I'm going to do for a living once I'm out on my own.
(Excuses. You haven't gone back to school for years now, after dropping out of college. No, it wasn't that you couldn't handle it. You dropped out because it was "too hard". You didn't want to stick to it. You decided to *quit*. You also just want more excuses so you can be that fat loser that stays at his parent's home, eating up their food, not doing anything because you're taken care of. Disgusting. Grow up, get a job. Like everyone has been telling you to. WORK! Earn your stupid money instead of crying in a little corner that you're a little "fuck up", and begging the government for money and those stupid pills you hate so much.)

... Uh, yeah. It just goes on like that.

I don't know what else to type. I'm too weary-minded to think clearly, I guess. I think I'll just go to bed and stay there all day tomorrow too. Goody. Besides, if I keep typing, I'll just end up saying more hateful stuff to my self. Sorry everyone, I just can't stop feeling this way for some stupid-ass reason. Good night.

Man.. it's been a long time since I've last updated this thing.

Haven't felt like writing in it for a while I guess. Anyway... here goes, guess I'll try writing something now.

Currently, I'm feeling a lil sick.. May be a cold, hoping I can beat it before it gets worse by drinking green tea with lime juice in it. Dad's gonna bring me some nice hot and sour soup as well later. ^_^

Uhmm... Yeah, this winter's been.. odd... I've had a lot of depressed moments, a LOT. I'm alright now, but still.. it happens. Guess I'll talk with my counselor about it next appointment.

The depression's been affecting my art too I guess... working on that though. My website... less said about that, the better XD Geeze... Wonder how many cobwebs are there.

*cough* anyway, yeah... it's 2006 now. I'm trying to get better. Doing bowling once a month at least, doing little things to get out of the house. Guess that's good.

Don't know what else to write. Oh, lately been getting into gregorian chant music, and a couple days ago, got some incense to burn

That's all for now. Later, you uh... uhm... Angry-monkey burritos!

Been a long time since I've posted again. Okay, small update of what I've been up to.

-Still going to counseling, which is good.

-Followed brothers and cousins around while they went trick or treating... we walked for well over an hour straight, and me not being in perfect shape, well.. my legs were a little stiff afterwards :P I was dressed as a zombie though, that was sorta fun. Made the most out of a really cheap makeup kit for halloween.

-I'm trying to learn how to make maps, or custom levels for Half-Life 2. I've played the game and beaten it several times already, goofed off around in different levels by using cheats to add more enemies and such... I figure it's about dang time I learn how to make my own levels so I can have a new outlet for my creativity (It's been sadly stagnant in the art and roleplaying department as of late. Maybe this will give me a little more creative boost? Who knows.). I'm an absolute noob at this, but I managed to find a video tutorial (Looking up more still). I can now create a room with weapons and headcrab zombies! Yay :P Now to sketch out a basic map that'll be fun to play.... (I had an idea for my first map, but as I learn my way around the map editor, I realized that first idea may be a bit too... ambitious for a beginner. Heh, baby steps.)

I guess that's it... Currently I am now worried about my father, along with my mom and stepdad. He recently had to go to the doctor, something about reeeaally bad back pain. The doc couldn't tell him what it was, so he gave him some pain killers I guess, and scheduled him for an appointment later on.. I guess for a more detailed examination or something, I don't know. He's been home today and yesterday from work.

I've known my father as someone who doesn't talk about emotions, and isn't a very open person. I guess that makes me think of him as someone who doesn't let something like a minor cold or pain stop him from working... so if he has to take a day off or more from work (due to pain, or the grogginess of the meds he's now on), I'm thinking it could be something at least semi-serious.

I'm trying not to worry too much about it, but... well.. you know how I am. *sigh*

He'll be okay though I think. I hope.

Important: Tri-West appointment on the 7th, at... 4 I believe. I'll have to double check. Also, need to call them about some forms I was supposed to fill out... I lost them. >_<;

Yep, still in Florida. I'll be back home in Ohio on the 17th, wednesday. Got a bit of a headache at the moment, but nothing I can do about it... some people are working on Heather's water system out here, so we can't get any water for me to drink and what not just yet. ^^;

The only real downside I would have to say about my trip is catching a cold that's lasted for roughly a week so far... I'm feeling much better though, just the past day or so, had coughin and sneezing to deal with, and that's a piece of cake compared to everything else.

Honestly, I'm having a good time here, and being able to see friends in person like this is really nice. Heck, Heather's parents have been wonderful hosts to me, and are even taking me out to eat in a little while.

The heat sucks ass, but I can handle it ^_^; Just too use to Ohio's weather than Florida's I suppose. :P Daily showers wipe off the sweat and stuff anywho.

Lesee, should I keep rambling? Why not? It's not really bad stuff I'm ranting about for once! Joy! My counselor did suggest I go ahead and take this trip... I was surprised at the time, but then again I realize I've been more social while I'm down here then I have been in ages. Sure, it wipes me out and makes me tired, needing naps, but... it's a good thing I suppose. (the need for naps could also be due to the cold I've had.)

Oh, and if yer wondering how the hell I'm typing this right now, Dragonmun was kind enough to let me use her computer while she was at work. Mostly been checking email, and playing a few silly games off this disc I brought along with me (Yay for Pac-Man!)

I miss home though. Don't get me wrong, I'm having a wonderful time here. ^_^ But you know how it is... I even miss my annoying little brothers! :P It has been 2 weeks, afterall. I'm sure when I get back, I'll realize how much of a pain in the arse they were :P But then, I'll be home and realize I'll miss my friends in Florida! ^^; It's a "lose-lose" situation, so to speak. Ah well, there's always AIM and such!

Well, I guess I'll wrap this up now. Don't know quite what else to type. I'll probably remember more later, but by that time I would have gotten off Heather's comp :P Ah well, I'll type it all up when I get home.

Hugs to all my friends and such, (btw, thanks for the comments in last journal post... or heck, all my journal posts)

*Yawn* I'm not awake yet, despite having a decent amount of sleep and coffee. Gimmie a bit to "boot up"...

...
...
... little longer...
...

Okay, done. *Rubs eyes* So, it's 7:36 am. I woke up at 6:50 to ensure I would have plenty of time for any LAST, last minute details. Gotta give parents addresses/phone numbers of where I'll be staying, and make sure I have said numbers on hand in case I need to make a phone call... like if my flight is delayed or somethin. Happened last time *Shrug*.

But yeah, today, I'm going to Florida, and staying there for two weeks. I'll be back at around 11:30 or midnight on the 17th. I got the essentials I need packed, including some non-essentials (music and sketchbook are gooood).

Time to get going! See most of you later, and see some of you in a matter of hours! :P

[08:44PM] Me: We need to get you a new keyboard, seriously :P
[08:44PM] Me: The typos are funny, but yeesh ;p
[08:46PM] Heather: hehe X'D
[08:46PM] Heather: that or I just need to type harder than I do ;p
[08:46PM] Me: Bash them keys!
[08:46PM] Me: Finger excersize time!
[08:46PM] Heather: X'D
[08:46PM] Me: And one, and two, and bend, and stretch!
[08:46PM] Me: Tap it, tap it, push, and tap!
[08:46PM] Me: a s d f
[08:46PM] Me: j k l ;
[08:46PM] Me: Feel the burn!
[08:47PM] Me: XD
[08:47PM] Me: ... I need air now XD
[08:47PM] Heather: asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl; *is getting tired*
[08:48PM] Me: okay that's good!
[08:48PM] Heather: X'D
[08:48PM] Me: Tomorrow, we'll work the zxcv as a warm up... then move up to the challenging qwert!