Gaming Lord's Ramblings

Holy crap.

Sun, 02 Sep 2007 18:55:06 GMT

It's my birthday. o_O I'm twenty four. Busy spending it cleaning up the house so we can all move out to a new home later this month. Probably going to have some people over tomorrow while I cook spaghetti and get some pizzas for little get together. I don't know, I'm actually not sure how I'm feeling about that right now. Might do it, might not, I'm not sure.

So uhm, happy birthday to me I guess. Another year older and stuff.... I don't feel particularly happy about it.

Soundtrack game and stuff

Fri, 24 Aug 2007 18:12:52 GMT

Okay, so I'm gonna play this little game my other friends have played. Here goes...

IF YOUR LIFE WAS A MOVIE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?

So, here's how it works:

1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend your cool... and alot of the songs fit with the setting

Opening Credits
Super Mario World TheDarkReachesofSMW OC ReMix (Itsa me! Mario!)

Waking Up
Super Mario World Super Mario's Sleigh Ride OC ReMix (Itsa me again! Mario! Whatta the hell?)

First Day At School
Breaking Benjamin - Firefly

Falling In Love
Greensleeves (Piano Trio) (Wow, considering how beautiful I find this song... )

Fight Song
Loreena McKennitt - She Moved Through The Fair (Bwahahaha, one of my quiet peaceful songs for a fight song?)

Breaking Up
Paul Spaeth Starlight

Prom
Ragnarok Online - Sleepless (I used to play RO a long time ago, so I kept the music from the game folder)

Life
Dot Hack Sign - Aura

Mental Breakdown
Ragnarok Online - Yuna Song (Again with the RO o_O Twice with RO, twice with Mario Bros.. how random is shuffle anyway? >_@ )

Driving
Kyles Mom is a Bitch (BWAHAHAHAHA! Wait, I gotta listen to this for a moment! XD Damn you South Park!)

Flashback
Myst 3 - Main Theme

Getting Back Together
A Perfect Circle - Choke (Yes! Strangle the one you want to get back together with! BLARG!)

Wedding
Ragnarok Online - Adios (Damn you RO! Arrrgh!)

Birth of Child
StarCraft - Protoss 1 (Okay, more video game music. Eerie sci-fi, higher life form music for a child birth. Interestin')

Final Battle
Aqua - Cartoon Heros (...I swear I don't know why I have this on my hard drive. It came from a cd from an uncle a long time ago I think.)

Death Scene
BMS-06-end_credits (Music from a Half-Life 2 game mod that's basically remaking Half-Life.)

Funeral Song
greensleevess (Yet another rendition of greensleeves. This one has lyrics unlike the previous one. The typo is intentional as that was how the mp3 was titled for some reason)

End Credits:
A Perfect Circle - Gravity

The driving one still cracks me up. Anyone so far so good today I suppose. Yesterday I got out of the house unexpectedly with my mom. We went bowling, then I followed her shopping for a bit. Ended up spending a bit of my money on some candles (I like randomly lighting candles) and got a new pair of comfortable shoes as an early birthday gift from mom. I guess I needed them since my boots I got earlier in the year were cheap pieces of crud and are now tore up on the inside. >_<; They're nice shoes too.... no need to velcro strap or tie them up. You just slip them on and go. I guess they're kinda like old man shoes, but meh, whatever... They're comfortable, easier to get on and off than my falling apart boots, and so on. I still plan on getting a new pair of boots some day, but these are nice.

This morning was odd though. I woke up and went downstairs to take my morning med, and I just started to be overcome by this horrible weighted, depressed feeling. It's lifted a fair amount since then, but it was so... out of the blue. I hate it when that happens. It really bothered me because I was thinking, 'Hey! I had fun yesterday! I got out of the house which is good for me, did things, and came back home! I shouldn't be depressed! Why am I depressed!? It's not fair!' I shouldn't think on it too much, I might get depressed again. Horrible how easy it is sometimes I can slip into that.

Well, I don't know what else to type so I'll stop here. Exploding waffles and such.

Mon, 20 Aug 2007 17:36:30 GMT

I haven't posted in a while again. I haven't felt like doing a lot of things, honestly, and that's the problem. I hadn't even realized it was an issue until a few weeks ago. It just sort of sneaked up on me until I had a really bad week of apathy, lack of energy, and just depression. Even then I thought it was just a random rough spot, so I thought I'd wait and see until my next visit with my doc to see if things improved. When they didn't, i asked for the medication change the next time I saw my brain doc.

So now, I'm being weaned off Cymbalta, and switched over to Lexapro. I'm being kept on Risperdal, just not on pill form anymore, it's in the form of a once every two weeks shot (One that I can never seem to relax enough for, so I always bleed like a stuck pig afterwards. Oh well, it's just a little blood.)

I feel... frustrated, angry, depressed. I have no interest in almost anything, even in things that I need to be doing. No energy or will. I feel upset that I have had to have another medication change, because it makes me feel like I've failed some sort of test or something. I know that's not the case though, it just feels that way, and I can't help the way I feel.

I hope the medication change will work. It's going to take some time to see how it'll effect me is all. I just want depression to stop draining my life away.

What I've been up to lately...

Wed, 06 Jun 2007 15:13:46 GMT

Haven't posted in a little while, so I figured I might as well do so now.

Still haven't scanned my artwork in yet, or some photographs Heather took on my camera during my stay. I'll have to get on that. Spleh :P Heather, if you read this, nag me about this photos!

I've been making more of an effort to get out of the house and get in touch with some friends these past few weeks. That's a good thing, I think. Still not quite used to it, but I think I'll adjust. I'm trying to be a little more social with the friends I actually have here in Ohio that don't get online all the time like I do. Not easy because I'm such a reclusive person, keeping to myself so much...

I've met up with two friends so far. First one actually was in Indiana, known as "SamuraiRock". She was an online buddy/acquaintance, and a mutual pal of one of my online friends I've known for a few years or so now. She drove over here one day, and we hanged out. It was pretty cool, we ate some chinese food, played some air hockey and pool at a local mall, then went bowling for a bit. Hey Samurai, if you read this, we gotta hang out again sometime :P The bowling'll be on me!

A little while ago, I finally hanged out with an old friend known as "Ivy". We kept in sparse contact through instant messenger over the years, but you figured this would be somebody I'd hang out with more because she lives in the same darn area I do. We saw the third Shriek movie (it wasn't bad, not great, but not bad either.) and ate at a local AppleBee's (never been to one before, had pasta, pasta good). We caught up on things we've been up to, and had a pretty good time.

I also recently got in touch with an old high school friend, Michelle. Sweet person, and she has a kid now that I haven't seen since she was a little baby. I really lost touch with this person, I'm sad to say. I recently sent her a message asking if she wants to hang out this upcoming Monday, so we'll see how that goes. I wonder if she'll bring her kid with her. From photos she's shown me, she's an adorable little thing.

Guess I never fully realized it, but these are some kind of big changes I'm trying to make in my life... staying in touch and hanging out with people I know more. I should remember to share these experiences with my counselor next visit, I think she'd be proud of the progress I'm making. ^^;

Ya know, despite waking up with a nasty migraine this morning, I think today'll go okay. Optimism, that's a change for me :P

I have an appointment with the doctor that prescribes my medications. I'm a *little* nervous about that, just a little, because today we're switching one of my pill medications to a once every two weeks shot. They've been saying that aside from making it easier to remember my other medication when I take it, it tends to work even better for people that opted for the shot. Hey, for my mental health, I'll give it a try. I got over my fear of shots in the arm during my late teenager years, but this one is a little different... It's going to be around my butt area >_> I'm pretty sure I had a shot in the butt when I was a toddler, but I don't recall that none too well, so this'll be a sort of first for me. And embarrassing. Yay butt-shots! :P

When I think on it, I'm amused by something. Nearly all my friends are female, save for a couple online guys. The few friends I've had that were dudes I've completely lost touch with over the years, and grew distant from... they were basically childhood friends, and I guess we all went our separate paths. Maybe it's a bit of stereotyping, but I generally don't make friends with MOST other guys because they typically do stuff I don't enjoy. Like being heavily into sports or cars, drinking, doing stupid stuff involving some legally questionable pranks and activities... generally being a "guy" according to society at any rate. I guess I'm different than a lot of others... I'm a lot more emotional than what society seems to think as acceptable (Bleh on you, society :P), I don't like being loud or boisterious... Okay, I do drink, but only like once every several months at most.

Maybe I'm wrong, though. My typical view of most of the male population is that they hide their emotions a lot, a good amount my age are loud, obnoxious, and arrogant, obsessed with "getting laid", and they do really stupid things that typically get posted on sites like YouTube ,such as shooting firecrackers at each other and what not.

Don't get me wrong, though! I know all guys aren't like that. It just seems that most guys I've encountered where I live tend to fit that bill. Some day in the future, I'll probably make more guy friends.

Even if I don't, there's nothing wrong with female friends either. Friends are friends. Yay friends!

Okay, I'm going to stop rambling and going from topic to topic now. I'll post again some day in the future, hopefully not too long. :P Adios!

Home again

Sat, 19 May 2007 21:19:57 GMT

Well, I've been home now for a few days, sort of vegging out for a bit I suppose. ^^ I wanna thank Heather, Justin, Aaron and Shelly for letting me stay at their place during my trip. This was an interesting little vacation for me...

I went bowling, saw some movies, ate out at a lot of restaurants, and even experienced my first rave o_O (yay glow sticks!) I even managed to sell some of my artwork, which was pretty awesome.)

Now I have to scan in all the artwork I did while I was in Florida and post it up on my deviantart site. Need to update that more regularly, really.

Trip's Almost Over

Sun, 13 May 2007 06:32:51 GMT

Well, my trip is almost over. I return home on Monday night. While I have had a wonderful time seeing my friends again, and meeting new people, it will be nice to go home again.

I wonder if my goldfish are still alive. Hopefully my brother hasn't forgotten about them.

Once I get back, I'll have three different appointments to take care of, starting a day or two after my return.

May 16: Appointment with doctor at Tri-West, see how my progress has been doing, discuss medications, possibly start a bi-weekly injection treatment plan in place of one of my medications in pill form.

Week After: Counseling appointment, May 25th I believe.

May 30th, possibly around 3: Job and Family services appointment. I'll need to gather things beforehand for this one. I'll list what I remember:
-Note saying dad has been letting me live with him, and that I've been paying him monthly from my disability check.
-Bank statement
-Photo ID and SS card possibly.
-The paperwork I had received in the mail notifying me of said appointment.

Well, that's about it I suppose. I'm going off to bed now.

Thu, 03 May 2007 12:01:29 GMT

well, I'm in Florida now. :P and huzzah, I'm getting over this cold pretty well! Heather had found an old sketchbook of mine, and so I've been looking it over and trying to fill it up. One of her roommates was kind enough to let me use their computer, so I can do some occasional web surfing and what nots.

Also got to look at the last piece of my headcrab zombie costume, the 'gore chest'... It's awesome ^^;

well, I'm still a lil out of it from waking up, so i'm gonna stop typing now.

Waffles. ;p

Woo! Way to go! >_>;;;

Wed, 02 May 2007 07:46:36 GMT

I'm sick! Huzzah! I got sick the day before my trip! XP Isn't that fantastic? :D

Eh, anyway, packing up the last of my things.. waiting for the dryer to finish with some clothes so I can stash them away.... and I'm looking for my hair comb that I can't seem to find. I may have to buy another one >_>;

*coughcoughCOUGH ahem ugh* Ew phelgm ><;

My flight leaves roughly at 5, so that means I should be there at about... 3:30 PM. So I'll probably be out of the house by 3.

Well, dryer's done... Time to pack up a few more shirts and get my butt to bed. G'night!

One more day....

Tue, 01 May 2007 08:37:28 GMT

The day after tomorrow, I head to the airport again and get on one of them big flying metal bird things. I'm just finishing up things for tonight.

I made printouts of two artwork pieces, going to do a third tomorrow, a fourth if I can find something that I think looks decent enough and not crap.

I'm going to do a load of laundry tonight so I have clean clothes to wear... I was supposed to do it earlier, but I forgot >_>;

Well, I got clothes, toiletries, my costume parts, disposable cameras, and a backpack and travel suitcase to cram it all in. I have a modest amount of cash to spend while in Florida, and if my disability check comes tomorrow (which it should), I'll have a highly comfortable amount then.

I'm nervous and excited and looking forward to seeing all my friends again. I'm hoping things won't be too busy or chaotic after the convention for us to do a couple small things either, like hang out at a restaurant for a short while or something.

Note: I should get a standard sized sketchbook with easy-tear pages tomorrow. Maybe I can make some stuff up on the spot while at the convention.

Extra Note: Due to airport restrictions, I can't have any sort of liquid toiletry over 3 ounces in size. I'll have to buy another bottle of special tar shampoo for my scalp while I'm down there. My skin condition really bugs me >_>; Also, don't forget to put existing toiletries in small quart sized bag as required of the airport.

Another note!: Don't forget shades attachment for eyeglasses, and small sketchbooks for Spazz+Heather that were a never sent Christmas gift from a year or two ago. Heh...

Well, I'd better go put some clothes in the wash and get to bed. G'night!

Random Anxiety

Fri, 27 Apr 2007 07:08:10 GMT

I'm both excited and very nervous about my upcoming trip. I'm trying not to be, but I'm naturally a very nervous person I suppose. My mind deviously comes up with so many things that could go wrong, and I'm trying to ignore it. I just hope everything goes okay, really.

I'm nervous about my art. About the art I'm going to be trying to sell at the convention. At most I only got maybe three or four pieces. Only one is in color... the others... I don't know, they're just things I drew in ink that I'm picking out of my sketchbooks. I'm not sure if they can be called finished pieces, so much as random things. I showed some to my counselor and other people... their reasoning was, "what have I got to lose?". I suppose though I fear ridicule, and feel ashamed that I couldn't have X amount of pieces finished instead of what I do have. That I'm less of an artist, or that I shouldn't call myself an artist because I'm only going to have some printouts of a few measly things to try and sell.

I'm making an LJ cut here, cause I tend to ramble you know.

I also have the fears and worries I've mentioned before in recent posts coming to mind, ones that I thought had been laid to rest. I guess they never truly go away, they just hide for a while.

I'm a scared, frightened, nervous, anxiety-filled little boy, full of self-loathing. I hope one day I can learn not to be this way.

Well, on another note I'm cosplaying as a Headcrab Zombie from the game Half-Life again. I've just took a shirt and shredded it today, and covered it in splatters and smears of fake blood. That, along with a latex "gore chest", skeleton glove hands, and a plush headcrab hat will complete my costume.

I wish I could get rid of these feelings of anxiety and dread in an easy manner. Just wash them away, and feel like new again. I suppose that's just going to take training with my counselor and such... maybe another change of medications? I don't know.

I'm done typing, I don't know what else to type.

>_____@;;;

Sun, 22 Apr 2007 11:24:36 GMT

Migraine headaches suck! WOOOOO! YEEEEAAAH!

.... Stop with aching, brainmeats! >_@;

3 Minutes away from 5 AM

Mon, 16 Apr 2007 09:30:31 GMT

Ya know, I should probably be asleep. I took my anti-depressants a little late, so it's gonna be a short while before I get all drowsy and crash into bed. At least my mood isn't bad. It's just kinda neutral. Eh *Shrug*

I'm going to Florida in May. Gonna see my friends Spazzy and Dragonmun again for a while at a con, then just linger around like sock odor for almost 2 weeks. Hopefully a pleasant sock odor though, like a clean sock dipped in... Oh, I don't know, something that smells nice. Yay!

Oh SPAZZ! If you see this before you check your e-mail again, I NEED to know your address so I can mail my costume part to you! 'Kay? ^^;

I got a little bit of anxiety for some reason right now in my chest. Little worries drifting into my head. I'm trying something my counselor has suggested... Don't fight it, try to "be with it". Let myself feel these emotions without judging or bashing myself. Accept them for what they are, instead of trying to ignore it. I suppose that makes sense. I'm doing an LJ-Cut now, cause this is going to be long.

At first, fighting the feelings of being depressed, or worried, or anxious is the initial reaction for me. It also seemed to make sense at first. Those things can't bother you if they're not there, right? So fight them off. So I think, "Oh no, not those feelings again. Quick, don't think about it, don't think about it! Stop thinking about it! Do something! Stop feeling that way!" In a way, I'm sort of realizing that's just really bottling up the emotions and feelings. That's a bad thing, because then it's just building up pressure and leads to more severe problems like having a break down or a depressive episode.

The "being with it" method is going to take some getting used to. In a way, I see how it's a good thing. It sort of vents the emotion more properly. I'm also supposed to try visualizing a "happy place". Some scene or place in my mind where I feel safe, secure, and happy. It seems obvious, doesn't it? I thought so to, and was about ready to beat myself in the head for not realizing it sooner... but I think depression and anxiety can make you blind to simple solutions. It sucks, really. That, and apparently I've always had problem with simple, common sense stuff all my life.

So, what am I worrying about? Let's examine it. Maybe that'll help:

--Irrational Worry--
When I get to Florida, I'm going to be in the way of my friends. It's going to be a hassle to put up with me.

Well, I don't know that I'll be in the way for sure, so I shouldn't assume. And certainly, if this was going to be a problem for Spazz and Dragonmun, I'm pretty sure they would let me know via e-mail or something.

--Maybe Not-so Irrational Worry?--
Heard from a mutual friend, Orchidsdance, that currently both Spazz and Heather have a lot of roommates at the moment. Also heard from Orchidsdance that Heather thought I would be staying at her place, when I thought a long while ago, Heather said I would be staying at Spazz's place. So now, I'm a little confused as to where I'll be staying for my trip now. ^^; Also worrying that if they do have all these roommates, can they accommodate me? Would I be in the way?

Well, I sent an e-mail to Heather a day or two ago asking about this whole situation. I'll just have to wait for a response. Additional extra irrational worry, my friends are going to be angry or something at me for asking about this. This is my mind doing the double standard on me I think, where my thoughts go "They can ask you anything they want, no problem, I'll do anything I can to help! But you shouldn't need help. Don't bother your friends, you're an idiot for asking questions! You're doubting them! They have every right to be mad and yell and berate you!" Ugh... Yeah, it's irrational worrying and such again. I know they wouldn't yell at me, but my heart has a hard time believing it because of how my depression makes me feel. Drives me crazy >_<;

--Minor Goblin Worries--
You won't have a ride to the airport after all! Your cousin won't be able to take you there! You won't be able to get a taxi as backup! You'll get lost at the airport! You'll forget something important! You'll forget to pack something! You won't pack enough clean clothes, and you'll have to bother your friends so you can do laundry to have clean things to wear! You'll somehow screw up doing your laundry by putting in too much soap in the washer, or do something weird with the dryer! The way you do laundry at home probably isn't the right way! I'm stupid because of the laundry thing! The plane could crash! You'll clog their toliet! (... uhm, yeah, my worries even go *that* far, I'm embarrassed to say. >_>;) Etc, etc, etc.

*Deeeeeep breeeeaaath* I just gotta try not to think about those so much. They're persistent, but I gotta try to think of them like background noise. Maybe by taking care of my major worries, it'll be easier to tune out the smaller demon ones. And ya know, as funny as some of those small worries are, they really do sap a lot of energy out of me >_<; Spazz, Heather, if I freak out too much, could you show me how to use your washer and dryer? XP

Okay, I think that's the major ones for now. Even though I've made them tangible in my journal, I still feel them nagging at me. Maybe I helped to make it a little less harmful to me though, who knows. I hope so. Well, i don't know what else to type right now, and I'm not even sure if I'm going to go to bed or not. I'll figure out what to do before my body feels like sleeping. G'night!

Wow... I really need to calm down.

Tue, 10 Apr 2007 01:47:33 GMT

Okay, okay, okay, okay....

...okay.

I just freaked out and had a slight panic attack thing over the stupidest little thing. It amazes me that this happens. I suddenly had an urge to try really hard to finish some art in Photoshop before I head to Florida in the beginning of May. So I went to plug in my art tablet. I couldn't find it. It wasn't on my desk, under, or behind it. It's nowhere. No wait, it's somewhere in my room, but it's a mess. ARGH!

So, my head started bashing myself for not cleaning my room, for losing the tablet, for this, for that, and argh o_O; I do this so esaily to myself, it's almost not funny.

Well, I'm *forcing* myself to calm down now... It's *sorta* working, but I gotta work on ignoring the urge to panic still. Crazy. o_o;

Hello Again.

Wed, 28 Mar 2007 11:36:52 GMT

Holy sweet jebus monkies on a hamburger patty with no rhinos... I think I forgot I had a livejournal account again.

Boy, the last post I made sure ended on a happy note too, didn't it?

Weeeell, I couldn't sleep very well tonight at all, so I'm still awake. I'll try sleeping after I make this post.

Anyway, was poking around on the internet, checked up on some journals I hadn't looked at in a while, going to check on some more later (wonder if those people will still remember me :P). I guess right now, things are okay, except for me not being asleep at the moment.

*Glances back at the last post, shakes head*

This is gonna be a really long post, so I'm gonna do a LJ cut here. If I still remember how...

I really should keep in mind some things my counselor has been telling me. It's just hard sometimes when my depression decides to flare up. It makes you conveniently forget certain things. Things like, "it's not your fault you think this way", or "Nobody's expecting you to get everything right. We all make mistakes." It sort of flips the truth around in a way, and turns them into lies. It makes things kinda difficult.

My counselor says that depression is an illness. The brain is an organ like any other part of the body. Apparently, I just keep forgetting that, and think that my depression isn't an illness, but something where I think I'm just a major screw up and can't get anything right. It makes me doubt myself so damned much, makes me unsure. It gets pretty tiring trying to fight those negative thoughts all the time. Head shrink and I agree it's just a huge part of my ingrained nature by now that I'll think badly of myself and everything. It's going to take a lot of work to undo that negative thinking. And time. I need to remember that also, even when it feels like I haven't done anything or made any progress.

See, even now it sorta flared up, just a tiny bit. Doubting myself again. It frustrates me. I just got to be careful and not beat myself up over it. Forgive myself.

It's funny, we've had conversations about this sort of thing before. I have a sort of double standard in dealing with myself. For example, my friends or my family can make mistakes, they can goof up, they can have a bad day, and I'd say "Hey, that's alright. It's no big deal. Stuff happens, don't worry about it." Yet if I make some sort of goof up, or I can't calm down quickly enough, or something else, I tear into myself. "What the HELL is wrong with you!? Why can't you get ANYTHING right!? Stop fucking up! Grow up! Knock it off! Work harder!"

... I had to stop for a moment there. It's just way to easy to get into that. And it's also too easy to believe it.

It's funny... I think my thoughts become their clearest when I'm tired, or have stayed up too long. It's like at that time, I'll feel like I've come across some profound insight about myself or other such things, and start feeling like I've suddenly become wise over night. I wouldn't go so far as to say that's what really happens, it just sorta feels that way.

Okay. I'm not sure what else to type here really. I think I'll try to post more often again. I won't force myself to stick to some sort of schedule or anything, just to try and post whenever I feel like it. Let it come more naturally to me, even if I mostly post bad stuff like when I'm having one of my moods.

My mind worries about that. Because my journal is public, it thinks that "Well gee, aren't you full of yourself? You're just crying for all this attention like some sort of glory hog." Well, let me think about that for a moment. I'm not forcing anyone to read my journal entries, certainly not threatening them, or bothering them 24/7 to look at it. Keeping a journal is a bit therapeutic, and having a program/website that's completely dedicated to that instead of notepad makes it easier to remember I have that outlet. Also, not to sound egotistical (I worry about that a lot), but who knows... maybe somebody who also has depression or anxiety issues will stumble across my journal, and can relate. Maybe it can help somebody else out as well. Depression really does do a damn good job of making you feel like you're all alone... sometimes convincing you that you'd want it that way.

That, and maybe it's a good way for my friends to check up on how I'm doing. I do the same when I visit their journals (I just need to comment more and stop lurking so much) It's not like they have to, just that the option is there. And sometimes if I'm in one of my really bad moods, I don't open up as well at times... I'll feel like I've bothered them enough in the past about how I feel, whining and ranting about my depressed moods, even though they've told me over and over again that they want to know how I'm feeling.

My friends expect an honest answer, I guess, not some quick bullshit line like "Eh, I'm okay." I appreciate that... I try to do the same, I guess.

Okay, well I've typed a great deal here, and rambled on longer than I've meant to. I think I'm going to try and get some sleep now. G'night.

. . .

Thu, 05 Oct 2006 06:33:39 GMT

Damn. Just... damn. It's been well over 6 months since I last posted in here. I just don't care about it anymore, I guess. I don't know. So why am I typing in it now?

I feel fucked up, that's why, I guess. And this is the only avaliable outlet to me?

Yeah, you can already tell this isn't going to be a happy post. I heavily recommend just walking away and ignoring this. Hell, I should just be putting this shit in a regular journal. You know, one that isn't online and viewable by the entire world?

Anyway...

I'm doing it to myself again, and I can't stop. I'm beating myself up. Some of my thoughts feel like they have a valid point. That some of the bad things I think about myself actually are true, and make perfect sense. I'm.... exhausted, lacking energy. I can't even help but worry that I may have annoyed a friend with my depressive mood, because I couldn't snap out of it enough to spend time with them in a game, or chat. I feel like I've just blown them off so I can be moody all on my own. I wouldn't have been able to enjoy the game anyway, really...

You know, sometimes... Sometimes, I wonder. What if I'm just lying not only to everyone I know, but to myself as well? A little confusing, huh? Let me put it this way:

-I have depression. I've had it for years.
(No, you just kept telling yourself that for so long that you THINK you have depression, you hypo-chrondriac.)

-I'm tired all the time. I have no energy because of my negative thoughts and anxiety.
(You're simply lazy. The reason you're always tired is because you either sleep too much, or not enough. Stop looking for excuses and grow up.)

-I'm scared of my own future. I feel like no matter what I do, I'll end up pushing everyone away. I can't even tell what I'm going to do for a living once I'm out on my own.
(Excuses. You haven't gone back to school for years now, after dropping out of college. No, it wasn't that you couldn't handle it. You dropped out because it was "too hard". You didn't want to stick to it. You decided to *quit*. You also just want more excuses so you can be that fat loser that stays at his parent's home, eating up their food, not doing anything because you're taken care of. Disgusting. Grow up, get a job. Like everyone has been telling you to. WORK! Earn your stupid money instead of crying in a little corner that you're a little "fuck up", and begging the government for money and those stupid pills you hate so much.)

... Uh, yeah. It just goes on like that.

I don't know what else to type. I'm too weary-minded to think clearly, I guess. I think I'll just go to bed and stay there all day tomorrow too. Goody. Besides, if I keep typing, I'll just end up saying more hateful stuff to my self. Sorry everyone, I just can't stop feeling this way for some stupid-ass reason. Good night.

Pweeg.

Tue, 10 Jan 2006 21:58:42 GMT

Man.. it's been a long time since I've last updated this thing.

Haven't felt like writing in it for a while I guess. Anyway... here goes, guess I'll try writing something now.

Currently, I'm feeling a lil sick.. May be a cold, hoping I can beat it before it gets worse by drinking green tea with lime juice in it. Dad's gonna bring me some nice hot and sour soup as well later. ^_^

Uhmm... Yeah, this winter's been.. odd... I've had a lot of depressed moments, a LOT. I'm alright now, but still.. it happens. Guess I'll talk with my counselor about it next appointment.

The depression's been affecting my art too I guess... working on that though. My website... less said about that, the better XD Geeze... Wonder how many cobwebs are there.

*cough* anyway, yeah... it's 2006 now. I'm trying to get better. Doing bowling once a month at least, doing little things to get out of the house. Guess that's good.

Don't know what else to write. Oh, lately been getting into gregorian chant music, and a couple days ago, got some incense to burn

That's all for now. Later, you uh... uhm... Angry-monkey burritos!

Latest going ons...

Thu, 03 Nov 2005 15:19:41 GMT

Been a long time since I've posted again. Okay, small update of what I've been up to.

-Still going to counseling, which is good.

-Followed brothers and cousins around while they went trick or treating... we walked for well over an hour straight, and me not being in perfect shape, well.. my legs were a little stiff afterwards :P I was dressed as a zombie though, that was sorta fun. Made the most out of a really cheap makeup kit for halloween.

-I'm trying to learn how to make maps, or custom levels for Half-Life 2. I've played the game and beaten it several times already, goofed off around in different levels by using cheats to add more enemies and such... I figure it's about dang time I learn how to make my own levels so I can have a new outlet for my creativity (It's been sadly stagnant in the art and roleplaying department as of late. Maybe this will give me a little more creative boost? Who knows.). I'm an absolute noob at this, but I managed to find a video tutorial (Looking up more still). I can now create a room with weapons and headcrab zombies! Yay :P Now to sketch out a basic map that'll be fun to play.... (I had an idea for my first map, but as I learn my way around the map editor, I realized that first idea may be a bit too... ambitious for a beginner. Heh, baby steps.)

I guess that's it... Currently I am now worried about my father, along with my mom and stepdad. He recently had to go to the doctor, something about reeeaally bad back pain. The doc couldn't tell him what it was, so he gave him some pain killers I guess, and scheduled him for an appointment later on.. I guess for a more detailed examination or something, I don't know. He's been home today and yesterday from work.

I've known my father as someone who doesn't talk about emotions, and isn't a very open person. I guess that makes me think of him as someone who doesn't let something like a minor cold or pain stop him from working... so if he has to take a day off or more from work (due to pain, or the grogginess of the meds he's now on), I'm thinking it could be something at least semi-serious.

I'm trying not to worry too much about it, but... well.. you know how I am. *sigh*

He'll be okay though I think. I hope.

Important: Tri-West appointment on the 7th, at... 4 I believe. I'll have to double check. Also, need to call them about some forms I was supposed to fill out... I lost them. >_<;

Hello everybody

Sat, 13 Aug 2005 22:28:07 GMT

Yep, still in Florida. I'll be back home in Ohio on the 17th, wednesday. Got a bit of a headache at the moment, but nothing I can do about it... some people are working on Heather's water system out here, so we can't get any water for me to drink and what not just yet. ^^;

The only real downside I would have to say about my trip is catching a cold that's lasted for roughly a week so far... I'm feeling much better though, just the past day or so, had coughin and sneezing to deal with, and that's a piece of cake compared to everything else.

Honestly, I'm having a good time here, and being able to see friends in person like this is really nice. Heck, Heather's parents have been wonderful hosts to me, and are even taking me out to eat in a little while.

The heat sucks ass, but I can handle it ^_^; Just too use to Ohio's weather than Florida's I suppose. :P Daily showers wipe off the sweat and stuff anywho.

Lesee, should I keep rambling? Why not? It's not really bad stuff I'm ranting about for once! Joy! My counselor did suggest I go ahead and take this trip... I was surprised at the time, but then again I realize I've been more social while I'm down here then I have been in ages. Sure, it wipes me out and makes me tired, needing naps, but... it's a good thing I suppose. (the need for naps could also be due to the cold I've had.)

Oh, and if yer wondering how the hell I'm typing this right now, Dragonmun was kind enough to let me use her computer while she was at work. Mostly been checking email, and playing a few silly games off this disc I brought along with me (Yay for Pac-Man!)

I miss home though. Don't get me wrong, I'm having a wonderful time here. ^_^ But you know how it is... I even miss my annoying little brothers! :P It has been 2 weeks, afterall. I'm sure when I get back, I'll realize how much of a pain in the arse they were :P But then, I'll be home and realize I'll miss my friends in Florida! ^^; It's a "lose-lose" situation, so to speak. Ah well, there's always AIM and such!

Well, I guess I'll wrap this up now. Don't know quite what else to type. I'll probably remember more later, but by that time I would have gotten off Heather's comp :P Ah well, I'll type it all up when I get home.

Hugs to all my friends and such, (btw, thanks for the comments in last journal post... or heck, all my journal posts)

That's it, I'm outta here! Seeya, SUCKAS! :P

Thu, 04 Aug 2005 11:39:05 GMT

*Yawn* I'm not awake yet, despite having a decent amount of sleep and coffee. Gimmie a bit to "boot up"...

...
...
... little longer...
...

Okay, done. *Rubs eyes* So, it's 7:36 am. I woke up at 6:50 to ensure I would have plenty of time for any LAST, last minute details. Gotta give parents addresses/phone numbers of where I'll be staying, and make sure I have said numbers on hand in case I need to make a phone call... like if my flight is delayed or somethin. Happened last time *Shrug*.

But yeah, today, I'm going to Florida, and staying there for two weeks. I'll be back at around 11:30 or midnight on the 17th. I got the essentials I need packed, including some non-essentials (music and sketchbook are gooood).

Time to get going! See most of you later, and see some of you in a matter of hours! :P

Something funny in an AIM conversation ^_^

Tue, 02 Aug 2005 00:51:41 GMT

[08:44PM] Me: We need to get you a new keyboard, seriously :P
[08:44PM] Me: The typos are funny, but yeesh ;p
[08:46PM] Heather: hehe X'D
[08:46PM] Heather: that or I just need to type harder than I do ;p
[08:46PM] Me: Bash them keys!
[08:46PM] Me: Finger excersize time!
[08:46PM] Heather: X'D
[08:46PM] Me: And one, and two, and bend, and stretch!
[08:46PM] Me: Tap it, tap it, push, and tap!
[08:46PM] Me: a s d f
[08:46PM] Me: j k l ;
[08:46PM] Me: Feel the burn!
[08:47PM] Me: XD
[08:47PM] Me: ... I need air now XD
[08:47PM] Heather: asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl;asdfjkl; *is getting tired*
[08:48PM] Me: okay that's good!
[08:48PM] Heather: X'D
[08:48PM] Me: Tomorrow, we'll work the zxcv as a warm up... then move up to the challenging qwert!

Things just keep getting better... [/sarcasm]

Wed, 20 Jul 2005 21:42:17 GMT

God, could I ask you something? Why my mother? Why does she have to go back in for surgery again? Why are the bones crushing her spinal cord, again? The last time she went through this, she had to wear a neck brace for over a month or two. I don't recall how long actually, but was definitely at least a month. It was hell on her too.

So, why God? I'm not angry or anything, I'm just curious.

.... So yeah, I'm worried about my mom again. Her health. She has to go under the knife for the.... hell I've lost count... Nth time in her life, let's say.

She doesn't need this right now.

Grrrrr...

Sun, 26 Jun 2005 13:53:29 GMT

People who call on a sunday morning, multiple times, at or befre 9:30 freakin A.M.

...who KNOW my stepmother isn't even awake yet at this hour. Who KNOW she has a baby to take care of and needs her sleep... Who SHOULD know that it's friggin SUNDAY and people tend to sleep in...

Should be dragged out into the street and shot MANY MANY MAAANY DAMN TIMES! ARRRGH!

I heard it ring twice... it only succedded in waking me up halfway. I couldn't wake up fully enough to get out of beed and answer it. Third time *IN A ROW* I managed to pick up. Oh yeah, that's another thing. This lady didn't wait like at least 15 minutes between each call. Rude enough to KEEP TRYING ONE TIME AFTER ANOTHER! THREE TIMES IN A DAMN ROW ><;

Anyway, yeah. glanced at the clock. My blurry eyes thought it was 1 or 3 pm at the time and thought (oh shit, what if it's one of my friends trying to get ahold of me? If that was the case then,I would have felt bad and not angry. But it wasn't.) I get my glasses on, answer the phone... it's the few words I dread to hear. I swear sometimes whoever this person my stepmother knows, has NO DAMN MANNERS.

"Hellooooo, can I speak to Chaaaat?" (I shouldn't be making fun of her filipino-american accent, but.... gah damn, this lady needs some consideration with the phone, okay? 9-fucking-AM, and she's tried to wake us up with the damn fucking PHONE, THREE TIMES IN A FUCKING ROW!

So somehow, I manage to keep my grumpiness under check, and tell her to "Please wait, lemme check." Of course the poor woman's still asleep. EVERYONE ELSE IN THE HOUSE IS STILL ASLEEP FOR CRIPES SAKE! So I pick up the phone and "Sorry, she's still asleep." "Ok"

... I swear to God, I'm going to bash my head in with the keyboard if she tries to call again several times before it's fucking noon. She's done it before, called like once every half hour before most normal people would be awake on the weekends. Especially if they have a baby!

Okay, done ranting but... GEEZE! AARRRRRRGH! Sorry. Had to get that out of my system. I can't fall back asleep. Last night I only slept a little while before realizing that the coffee I drank was a bad idea.. ended up waking up again and staying up till like 6 am before I could pass out. Stupid idea, no more coffee at bedtime. And now, I can't fall back asleep. it's 9:47 am now, and I can't fall back asleep. *sigh*

Am I wrong for feeling pissed off? I don't know. I'm done typing now, the end. Dunno what I'll do now. Try to sleep? Listen to music? Laters.

Sooo... Yeeeaah... Mmmhmmm...

Sat, 25 Jun 2005 03:37:05 GMT

Okay, this month has been busy. Well, busy with various appointments for counseling, eye doc, etc ^^; But that's not what I wanna talk about in this post. For once, I'm not gonna be venting :P

EVERYBODY! ME FRIENDS! ATTENTION!

I want you to post the following info as comments to this post!

-Your birthday
-Ideal gift you'd like for said birthday
-Several subjects that you reeaaaally like (i.e. are a starwars fan or whatever)
-Do you like socks or not?
-And finally, hungry hungry hippos?

The reason for the first three questions? Well, I'm TERRIBLE at remembering things like birthdays. I'm surprised I even remember my own. I know the birthdays of several people I know will be coming up... So I figure, why not kill a helluva lot of birds with one big fat stone? This way, I'll have a list of my friends birthdays, what they'd want, what kind of stuff they like, and if waffles really are the evil of the universe.

Anywho, that's all I have to say. Post a comment everyone! I'll be waiting! For now, I need shower. I stink of HUMAN FLESH! I must reek of soap instead! SOAP REEK!

I can't forget these appointments

Tue, 07 Jun 2005 20:30:28 GMT

Counseling with Becky (Can't pronounce/spell last name)
Catholic Social Services
June 13th at 2 pm
221 5891

Eye doctor Jeffery Capelle
224 3456
208 East State street.
june 20th 2 pm

Dentist appointments
Steven England
669 Harrisburg Pike
276-1661
-Wisdom Tooth Extraction: Oct. 12, at 2 pm.
(Pay them 75 dollars at least a week before so they can afford to knock me out. Also, get information on heart mumur thing, they need that.)
-Check Up and Cleaning: Dec 6, at 3 pm.

Tri-West Associates Checkup
3035 West Broad Street
351-3450
July 11th at 4:30 pm

June 18th
Brother's birthday. Dear God, he'll be 18... A legal adult. I fear for the world. o_o;;;

- - - - -

Other important things I gotta do:

-Get plane ticket for Florida this month, as soon as I deposit enogh money to my checking account.
-Take a trip to a thrift or clothing store. Need more pants and comfy shirts. Maybe pick up some comfy long shorts too. Socks as well.
-Get a travel hygeine kit (toothbrush, toothpaste, deorderant, etc.). Also pick up special floss to make it easier to floss back teeth. Stupid small mouth and large hands. Nerrrrgh!
-Pick up special shampoo and conditioner for scalp as well while I'm there. Stupid skin of mine. >_>
-Actually, let's make a list of things I'll need for Florida next...
-RELAX! I'll be in florida with some cool friends, and wearing a cool half-life headcrab zombie costume :P

List of supplies NEEDED:
-Duffel bag type thing, since the old one I had broke apart sorta. I can still use the suitcase I borrowed last time.
-Clothes: Pants, socks, shirts, shorts, under-thingies. You heard me, under-thingies!
-Hygiene: Toothbrush, special reaching floss stuff, deoderant, special shampoo+conditioner, q-tips, soap? I should get some special soap, since certain kinds can irritate my eczema. Dove seems to work quite well. And a couple towels.
-Art ^_^: Sketchbooks, at the very least two. I'll get more if needed while I'm in Florida. Pens, mechanical pencils? Yeah, they break less often with me than art pencils.
-Computer things: My mouse *clings to his MX510 mouse.. or "Inky"* and my art tablet. Also CD-roms with requested programs for Heather, and my collection of cool video games. Controllers too. (Mmmmm... 4 player Super Bomberman, or death match tetris sounds fun! o_O; )

For me costume:
-Find a good white raggedy shirt... tear up the sleeves.
-Fake blood. That shouldn't be too hard to come by.
-Dig up a pair of old jeans, tear them at the knees and legs a bit... give them that ragged zombie look.
-Headcrab plush for head/face... I bribed Spazzy with pineapple pizza to do that for me ^_^ (Stubborn lil' monkeh wouldn't take me cash! I managed to argue her up to pizza. Pizza owns all o_O IT OWNS! OWNS OWNS OWNS!... Now I want pizza. Dammit. :P )

I think that's it. I'll hopefully be leaving Ohio on August 4th to hang out with peoples in Florida for two weeks ^_^; Just gonna suffer through the airports and planes. I can't help it, I get anxious thinking about it ^_^; Fear of getting lost or something stupid, eh. Heh. Ah well. Logging off now. Laters :P

Be afraid, the first quiz I've ever posted in this thing.

Mon, 23 May 2005 04:39:41 GMT

You scored as Anakin Skywalker.

</td>

Anakin Skywalker

67%

Darth Vader

58%

Chewbacca

58%

Obi Wan Kenobi

53%

C-3PO

50%

Padme Amidala

47%

Clone Trooper

42%

R2-D2

39%

General Grievous

36%

Yoda

33%

Mace Windu

31%

Emperor Palpatine

19%

Which Revenge of the Sith Character are you?
created with QuizFarm.com

*Shrugs*